


Tuesday

by babybrotherdean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Episode: s03e11 Mystery Spot, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-15
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-04-20 22:07:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4803968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybrotherdean/pseuds/babybrotherdean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>On one particular Tuesday, Sam decides to confront Dean about his feelings, secure in the knowledge that he won't remember when he wakes up.</p>
<p>This particular Tuesday is the first that ends in Dean dying by his own hand.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tuesday

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by [this conversation](http://babybrotherdean.tumblr.com/post/129103775918/unrequited-wincest-headcanons-1-the-first-and), and encouraged further by [poetryandoldermen](poetryandoldermen.tumblr.com). Sometimes I think of all the possibilities for that string of Tuesdays, and I cry a little bit.

It’s the thirty-fourth Tuesday when Sam decides it’s time to take advantage of this situation as best he’s able, and learn some things about his brother that he’s never had the guts to ask about.

It’s silly things, first. Dean’s first time, the Rhonda Hurley incident that he’s always been skittish about explaining, a whole slew of minutiae that slowly starts to fill the holes Sam has in his understanding of his big brother. But as more Tuesdays pass, and more secrets start slipping out, he starts to think of more important questions. Bigger secrets. Things he’s noticed and wondered about without really wanting to think about in too much detail.

But if he’s going to be stuck in this hellish time loop forever, then Sam’s going to make what he can of the experience, and that means asking Dean about some heavier topics.

They take longer to coax out of him. Sometimes alcohol is involved. Sam learns about their mother, about the years he Dean hunted on his own while Sam was away at school. About Dean’s hopes, the dreams he’s pushed aside in favour of being a full-time hunter. They all give him little pieces of his brother that he never thought he’d be allowed to see, and it fills something in his chest, has him feeling like the most important person in the world.

In hindsight, he shouldn’t have let that feeling go to his head.

On the fifty-second Tuesday, he remembers fireworks, remembers the broken look on Dean’s face when he’d left for Stanford. Thinks of the way his brother smiles at him when he thinks he can’t see. Decides he’s going to take the leap and ask about it.

“How do you feel about me?”

Dean’s already had a couple drinks- Sam knows from experience, both before and during this time loop, that it’s the best way to get his brother to talk- and even now, he’s nursing a beer, looks relaxed. The question has him looking up, tensing a little, though, and Sam knows he’s on the right track. “The hell’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means.” Sam knows he’s playing a dangerous game, that this could send Dean off and away from him, but he also knows his brother’s going to die before midnight tonight, and that tomorrow, it won’t matter anymore. He can push all the boundaries he wants, because someone’s going to hit the magic reset button soon enough. “Just- tell me? Please, Dean. I want to know the truth.” A moment of hesitation before he pulls out his trump card, one he’s discovered over the last several Tuesdays. “You at least owe me that.”

Guilt-tripping Dean always makes Sam feel a little sick- it’s not fair, and it’s not right, and he hates seeing the look that grows on his brother’s face- but it’s also the most effective way to get him to tell the truth. Whatever Dean’s feeling guilty about usually does the trick, and God knows that his brother’s always feeling guilty about something.

So Dean clears his throat. Shifts around and puts down his beer. Won’t look Sam in the eyes. “Just remember that you asked for it,” he mutters, then sits up a little. Takes a deep breath.

Sam doesn’t know what he’s expecting, but the answer that comes still shocks him into silence.

“I’m kind of in love with you.” Dean laughs afterwards, like he can’t believe what he’s just said. “Have been for- god, since we were kids. I don’t even know when it started, Sammy, it’s just- it feels like it’s always been this way, you know? Like it’s how it’s supposed to be.” He shrugs, peeks up at Sam like he’s scared of how he’s going to react. “So- so that’s it, I guess.” Another shrug. “Happy?”

Sam wonders for a long, detached moment, if maybe he could be.

Dean’s all he’s really got in this world. All he’s ever had. Who’s to say that they’ll ever find happiness with anyone but each other? Hell, maybe his brother’s got the right idea.

That thought is enough to bring it all to a screeching halt, because the idea that it’s his _brother_ he’s thinking about like this has his stomach turning. God, why did he need to push this?

“Dean…” Sam swallows hard and tries to collect his thoughts. Tries to make himself say something. Saying _anything_. “I just- you don’t… you know we’re brothers, right? That- that this isn’t normal. People don’t… it’s not right.”

Dean’s still smiling, but it looks bitter, now. He takes a swig of his beer and sits up, rubs at the back of his neck. “Yeah, yeah, I’ve heard it.” He waves it off like it doesn’t matter. “I know brothers aren’t s’posed to fuck each other, Sammy. I’ve had a hell of a long time to think it through.”

Sam flinches at the crude wording- something else he definitely doesn’t want to be thinking about- and stumbles over his next words. “But- I mean, it’s okay. It doesn’t… this doesn’t need to change anything, Dean. You’re still my brother-” There’s that damn word again; why can’t he think it without aching now?- “and I still- I care about you, Dean. A lot.”

“I know.” Dean shrugs, smiles again. It’s smaller this time, and there’s something behind it that Sam can’t quite identify. “S’fine. I’ve been dealing with it this long, right? What’s another thirty years of wanting what I can’t have?”

“I don’t-” Sam hesitates. Swallows hard. “I don’t want this to change things, Dean. Please.” Tuesday or not, he’s not going to leave his brother in this kind of distress any longer than he has to. Can’t deal with the guilt that comes with it.

“Oh, don’t worry, Sammy.” Dean takes one last drink from his bottle before setting it down, empty, on the table beside him. “It’s gonna be fine. Don’t even think about it, okay?” A shrug, and Dean stands, rolls his shoulders. “I’m good at pretending.”

“Where are-?” Sam halfway stands up, reaching out for Dean. “You’re not leaving, are you?” He’s reluctant to let Dean go anywhere alone while they’re stuck in this loop, because it typically ends with him waking up to Asia all over again.

“Bathroom.” Dean gives him a look that makes Sam feel silly and invasive. “I gotta take a piss. Thought you weren’t into that sort of thing?”

Sam feels his cheeks warm and lets his hand drop, sinks down in his chair a little. “Right,” he mumbles, trying not to think about the Tuesday where Dean drowned in the toilet. They probably don’t repeat, right? “Sorry.”

It’s quiet for a moment, and then Dean’s fingers are pushing through his hair, smoothing it out of his face. It’s almost shockingly affectionate for them, and Sam looks up, eyes a little wide. Dean’s face has softened, and there’s a look in his eyes that Sam doesn’t know how to identify.

“It’s okay, Sammy.” His voice is soft, too, and it’s so bizarrely out of character for his brother that Sam can’t help but be on alert. “Everything’s gonna be okay.”

Sam moves with Dean’s hand as he pulls away, feels like a little kid again as he watches his brother move towards the bathroom. Doesn’t think to notice the glint of metal that’s leaving a bit of a bulge at his hip.

Doesn’t think that anything’s wrong at all until he hears a gunshot. Doesn’t even stand up before everything goes dark all over again.

_“It’s the heat of the moment…”_

“Rise and shine, Sammy!”

Sam doesn’t sit up in bed this time. Barely even works up the ambition to open his eyes.

All he can think about is Dean’s sad little smile, his promise that everything was going to be okay. The fact that Sam’s rejection had been enough to push him to ending his own life, starting the time loop again all on his own.

(Sam doesn’t bother thinking about whether it would’ve happened under normal circumstances. Can’t bear to push into that territory.)

Whatever happens, however many more Tuesdays he’s forced to endure and however long he might live after that, he vows then and there that he’s never going to make mention of Dean’s feeling again. Nothing’s worth watching his big brother’s heart be shattered into nothing.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you liked it? And thanks for reading! <3


End file.
